THE GODDESS CELLULA

Unknown to almost all, cellulite was a hallmark of great beauty admired by the ancient Romans and other antiquarian cultures. Cellula was a goddess worshipped by many. Michelangelo soon realized that depicting cellulite in his sculptures and paintings was just impossible; he could not capture the beauty of (I don"t remember the Latin words) "little mounds and craters on the moon" and soon followed the examples of other artists who all seemed to agree that awesomely beautiful cellulite was too difficult to capture by brush or chisel. They settled on the convention we know of today: smooth skin means beautiful skin. The next time you visit London, try to arrange for a special tour of the lower basement of the British Museum. on display is art from ancient Rome and Greece which attempted to capture the beauty of cellulite-but failed. All hail Cellula!

Tom Paine

HILLARY SPEAKS OF AN ASSASINATION

Recently, Hillary Rodham Clinton said she was staying in the Presidential primary because anything can happen and, as an example, she referred to Robert Kennedy's assasination before the 1968 presidential primary was over. She has said something like this before.

ATTA GIRL HILLARY!

YOU HAVE MERELY MISSPOKEN AND YOU'RE FORGIVEN.

GO GIRL, GO!

A SLAP IN THE FACE

In 1959 or perhaps 1960 a bunch of us from the USS Valley Forge were at a road house someplace in Virginia. We went there with barmaids from our homeport hangout, the Tidewater Café, East Main St, Norfolk.

This was a bottle club with a band; if you were old enough, you could bring spirits. I drank beer. East Main St. didn’t have bands or whiskey; it had juke boxes and beer. A conversation among us touched on race. I said that I really didn’t see any problems with blacks. One of the Tidewater Café girls asked me how I would feel if my sister wanted to marry a black. I thought about it briefly before I said I would rather she marry a white guy but if she were in love with a black well then that would be ok with me. It was her life and she should be able to do as she wanted.

A barmaid from the Tidewater stood up, reached across the table and slapped me hard. Everyone hushed. I was embarrassed. We were all young and the conversation moved on. We were not worldly people, and as much as some of us might have been aware of a cultural divide, I and some others perhaps were unaware of the depths of a chasm that lay in our midst.

Today, I regret that brief demurral. The Tidewater Café, The White Hat, The Brig, and other bars on East Main St. are long gone. We have some memories. Rest in peace Mildred Loving.

(On May 2, Mildred Loving died. She was a Virginian about our ages at the time I write of who was banished from Virginia for marrying a white man. Ultimately the Supreme Court struck down the law(s) that made her marriage a crime. The New York Times obituary, http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/06/us/06loving.html/ tells us about her and her husbands's bad experience. I didn't know of this sad story until I read the obituary. This article will take you to Robert Kennedy, Martin Luther, and Gunnar Myrdal who wrote American Dilemma. Over the years, I read a bit of each of Myrdal's two volumes. Written by a Swede, it gives you an objective look at American race relations. Over one hundred years earlier Alexis de Tocqueville, a Frenchman, wrote of race in Democracy in America and he too saw what some in America wouldn't. Read the Times obituary and think how close we still are to racism today. If not in law, then in fact-in culture. Sometimes we are too close to a thing to know that we are near it or that it even exists. Perhaps a chasm that lies near. Read.)

Tom Paine

Chief As White As Me

Onerous and offensive as it is we are commonly asked to identify ourselves by race to government agencies and other organizations to meet various statutory reqirements. Church and state laws also chronicle (not necessarily sanction) our births. Absent church and state law, many of us would still be happy bastards and others still rotten. The state, the law, can only document race and birth; it cannot create. That was tried infamously in Germany, South Africa, and the United States.

In the Navy from August, 1958 to December, 1961 I slowly learned of another world. The USS Valley Forge, CVS 45, was an aircraft carrier home ported in Norfolk, VA. and it wasn't until years later that I realized I never saw any blacks on liberty in the places I and the other guys I hung around with went to.

We were at sea. I worked in after engine room. The Chief Petty Officer (CPO) in charge of forward engine room had ordered a sailor to work in the bilges. Hey, we all took our turn there. The sailor demurred saying that he didn't do that kind of work (or words to that effect). The Chief told him to get his BA to the bilges or he would be written up. The sailor told the Chief that he was as white as he. Now the sailor was a black man. No mistake about that. He told the Chief to check his records in the Personnel Office; they would show that he was a caucasian.

The sailor went to the bilges and the Chief went to the Personnel Office. The records indicated the sailor’s race was caucasian. He was from the United States Virgin Islands. I seem to remember the Chief shaking his head in wonderment which was the best part of all this. I remember their names but the Chief will always be rememembered too as Chief As White As Me. Shaking his head.

The ship's nickname was The Happy Valley.The picture here shows the ship as we entered Halifax, Nova Scotia in 1959. I was aboard then. Eighteen years old. A happy bastard for the most part I would think.

Tom Paine

An Upload Experiment (guitar video)

This is a simple lesson sayeth the player. I've just uploaded this as an experiment. Took a while but it worked.

Tom Paine

Scratch Your Brain

THE ANAL TRAVELER WITH THE ITCHY BRAIN
You just left the Larry Craig restroom at the airport. Now don't dwell on this too much but think of what you certainly have picked up on the bottoms of your shoes (in addition to whatever else might have been there already). This might include small amounts of fecal matter, urine, spit, etc. Why, when walking the dog this morning you might have -never mind. You can take it to the bank-that horrible stuff is there. But it's on the bottom of your shoes so you don't half mind. Nothing you can do about it anyway. And you do have some control over this. Whoops! You're going to lose control. Going through TSA airport security, you put your shoes in a grey basket used by thousands before you. Your shoes along with other things you use. You may now consider them contaminated by an ocean of microscopic (some chunks maybe) vileness. Comfortably boxed in on the aircraft you start thinking about your exposure to God knows what. What might these other people have stepped in? You think of the possibilities. You feel itchy. You scratch here and you scratch there. Why, even your brain feels itchy. You try hard not to think of the horrible filth that has now become part of you. Think instead of a running stream...whoops again. Never mind. Relax, treat yourself to that sandwich. Arrrgh! Your hands, your hands! Oh have at it; scratch your brain

Tom Paine

BLOODED AND READY TO TAKE CHARGE

While campaigning in the Pennsylvania primary, Hillary spoke of her duck hunting experience and she drank whiskey with locals.

God what a wonderful feeling shooting a sweet free bird from a blue sky. She grabbed another still bird from the dog and quickly broke its neck and gutted it throwing warm slop into brackish water. Love the kick of the gun, love the blood and guts. God it's good!After, some whiskey with the rest of the locals from the local DOR (Daughters of Rest), that wonderful group of registered retired older women who too challenged the status quo and realized killing sweet free birds some of whom might be mothers too wasn't a wanton act-it was a meaningful empowering one. So they killed free sweet birds, drank whiskey, and celebrated knowing that one of them might some day be the big gun in a big city.

The next morning she went to KFC and ate chicken meat with her hands and wiped her mouth on her shoulder and didn't care if the dopey bird might have been undercooked. Bosnia, the ducks; yes she was tested and ready. "Bring it on."
(Bring It On copyright by Dubya)

Tom Paine

On Misspeaking

YOUNG GEORGE WASHINGTON: ""Father I cannot tell a lie. It was I who chopped down the cherry tree. I misspoke."
FATHER: "Son, you have spoken presidentially and some day you will be our first; for to lie is human but to misspeak is presidential."

Tom Paine

Of Blood, Of Red

Debacle of governance upon us now.
Phantom bullets in Bosnia portend the same.
Prologue now mimes prologue past.
The lie on the hustings less arrogant than desperate, still a lie.
Beware the deceit: a reddened bill of goods for bullets not fired.

Tom Paine

Bosnia Mon Amour

We are developing a line of clothes and accessories called HILLARY. Our first collection, "BOSNIA 1996," will include pant suits available in four camouflage designs -one for each season. Camou fabric helmets wlll have several faux bullet holes -a reminder of Bosnia 1996. The excitement continues with beachwear consisting of camou robes and towels and risque camou swimwear. It gets better. They said it couldn't be done but we've designed HILLARY footwear to complement that special HILLARY evening gown -an open toed combat boot with a modest lift. Oh ecstasy! And yes, we have a new perfume designed to capure the attention of that special man; the secret -a scent of burnt gunpowder incorporated into our "Evening in Bosnia." The perfume bottle will be evocative of a bullet. One accessory certain to be much in demand is the camou plastic bracelet intended as a reminder of Hillary's exposure to sniper fire in Bosnia. Watch for news of our upcoming runway presentation. Think of our models running and zig zagging down the runway with the sound of bullets whizzing through the air. Our audience will have the opportunity to throw little packs of faux blood at our models as they pass by. And finally, a pinup poster (wallet size will probably be better) depicitng Hillary in one of our "Bosnia 1996" outfits which our troops can gaze at as a reminder of she who shared their deadly experiences taking sniper fire. They'll love it! Just love it

Tom Paine